Frequently Asked Questions by Couples & Families

Do you only treat families and couples who suffer from addiction?

I work with couples and families either navigating addiction or are in recovery. I also work with a number of families and couples who are not dealing with addiction, but at least one member of the couple/family is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic/who grew up in a family with addiction.

How is addiction a family disease?

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse genetic factors are linked to at least half of a person’s susceptibility to addiction. Addiction is a disease that affects every person in the family and requires each person to participate in some type of treatment. Studies have shown that families involved in treatment have been more effective than treatment centering around the addict/alcoholic alone. Without experience with addiction, it is easy for families to fall into patterns of enabling the addict’s behavior and have poor communication. Education includes ways to manage stress, improve communication, set boundaries, have accountability, and create a plan.

How can therapy help my relationship/family?

The dysfunction is not the problem at hand, but the dysfunction lies in how the family deals with the problem. In systems therapy, the family runs like a unit. There are different parts, and each person has their own purpose. All the parts work together to achieve the common goal of survival. Over years, each member falls into their own role. A balance is created. When one person moves into sobriety, it is normal to feel resistant to giving up the role that we developed over years. This can look like still not being able to depend on the recovering addict/alcoholic to assist in childcare and other household responsibilities. This is why it is important for us to take care of ourselves by going to our own individual therapy and/or attending support groups like Al-Anon.

Every family is unique, which is why it is important to communicate with your therapist to see if you are a good fit for their practice. It is helpful to mention specifics such as culture, religion, and/or a member of the system being a part of the LGBTQ+ community. It is also helpful to mention if your loved one is a first responder or a veteran. When seeking help, it is important for you to be heard and that your therapist is skilled appropriately to assist you and your family. It is normal to contact a couple of therapists before coming across the right one.

One of the first steps of therapy is reinforcing that your family is a team. In my practice, I utilize techniques to map out relationship patterns in families/couples, provide education on addiction and provide tools to repair communication and set boundaries to heal the whole family system from addiction. Depending on where you are in your journey of recovery, together we will create a treatment plan to best work toward your goals.

What are boundaries?

Codependency and boundaries go hand in hand. Codependency is usually due to a lack of boundaries and us internalizing that the needs of others are more important than our own. Codependency with couples/families can also look like you working harder for your loved one to get/stay sober than they are. This looks like fixing them rather than supporting them. The best way to describe a boundary is thinking of a limit or a guideline of how we would like to be treated. Boundaries allow us to identify what we can take responsibility for and what role we play in a situation. In addiction treatment, boundaries are essential. No, you are not responsible for your significant other relapsing. I mean, unless you opened their mouth and poured it down their throat, literally. An example is if there was an argument that took place, and your significant other stormed off to drink and proceeded to blame you. This is not your fault. This is your significant other’s response to how they deal with the problem. Even though it is unhealthy, during times of stress we can fall into familiar old patterns.

How do I support my loved one?

The best way to support our loved ones is through communication, education, and self-care. It is easy to personalize our loved one’s use, but the reality is, that it is not about us. Ask your loved ones what they need to feel supported, educate yourself on addiction through different resources, and find support through Al-Anon. Self-care is important because we cannot pour from an empty pitcher. We cannot give if we do not have. Because addiction is a family disease, it is important not to look at your loved one as the “identified patient” or the problematic person who needs help. Because everyone in the family is affected by addiction, everyone needs individualized care to work through the effects to be able to heal the family as a whole.